Sometimes the hardest thing about workplace conflict is not enduring it, but managing it. If you’re like me, you avoid conflict until there is no other option. Why is it that a situation can reach a fever pitch, but until something, or someone, explodes you can live through it?

The Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) says avoiding uncomfortable conflict is a common but ultimately short-term situation, both in terms of living happily and in staying in a job. They recommend that an HR Manager steps in when the following occur:

• Employees are threatening to quit over the problem. Recruiting and training are expensive; it’s often cheaper to work out a solution.
• Disagreements are getting personal, and respect between employees is being lost.
• Conflicts are affecting morale and organizational success.[i]

Each bullet point is significant and affects an individual’s human relations. If you and a co-worker are at Hatfield and McCoy status, you have already thought about quitting. The problem with quitting because of another co-worker is the same as the problem with quitting a team because of another player or making any other decision because of someone else’s behavior. That statement is bold, because we all know we make decisions every day based on other people…how they make us feel, how they speak, how they act. If you are in a perpetual conflict with a co-worker, it is hard to keep perspective on any big picture, much less how you are going to manage the conflict.

Yet we are in control of only one thing in this life – how we react to every situation. There is no conflict in the world that changes that fact. You choose to burn or rebuild the bridge, every time. Easier said than done and coping skills evolve to handle conflict away from the other person. Whether you binge on ice cream, throw things or vent to another co-worker, most coping mechanisms keep us from addressing the conflict. Not until the ice cream runs out or the venting eclipses work productivity do steps toward resolution become mandatory. Very eloquently stated by SHRM, “Studies show that increased productivity and engagement are correlated with the shortness of time between identifying a problem and discussing it.”

Disagreements that become extreme and erode respect and morale damage the success of an organization, as well as individual employees. Recruiting and training expenses aside, a successful HR Manager knows the overall health of a company’s employees is top priority.  And because handling a conflict alone between employees can require a Herculean effort from an HR Manager, don’t wait to start tackling the conflict on your own.

John Gottman, professor emeritus in psychology, says conflicts are managed rather than resolved because “relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects.”  Put down the ice cream spoon and start doing some research. Talk to your HR Manager or your direct supervisor. The sooner you start managing your conflict, the sooner you can get back to happier work relationships and a productive work career.

[i] shrm.org, “How to Resolve Workplace Conflicts,” Tamara Lytle.