My daughter was lamenting that while she LOVES one relative with whom she must associate at the holidays, she doesn’t LIKE what he does. She sighed and said, “Well, that’s just how it goes.” I wondered how many times I have shared that thought. “You have no idea,” I said, while a silent film of ghosts of Christmas past flickered through my memory. How do you explain to your child that while society says the “big” days of the year are the most wonderful times of the year, reality says they often are not?
The holidays do not bring out the best in people. From frantic shopping, crazy driving and over-imbibed relatives, not to mention scheduling with multiple families and holiday parties…it’s hard to be of good cheer. Have you had the experience of being crammed into a small, oven-warmed space with in-laws or relatives you haven’t seen in years? Maybe you felt like the turkey in the warmer had a better fate.
Gail Gaspar, Certified Executive Coach and Career Strategist, says there are common traps that people fall into, especially during the holiday seasons. One trap is trying to be the ultimate people-pleaser. People-pleasers put everyone else first. This is common for mothers trying to accommodate her blood family, her married-into family, her kids, her husband…the truth is not everyone can be completely happy on the holidays. Every adult brings a holiday history and list of expectations. Young children are expecting Santa to ante up. You know Santa’s list? That can seem short compared to what your relatives are expecting. This holiday season, determine clear boundaries of what you will and will not do. You are not leading a sleigh or building toys for every girl and boy. You deserve to enjoy the upcoming season and can create your own wish list for a happy holiday.
The second trap is becoming reactive. This goes along with trying to please everyone. When you react to others’ expectations, you are being pulled down the chimney of each person’s home of wishes. You get covered in soot and wonder how you’ll clean it all before the big day and still impress your mother-in-law. Changing plans to fit the whims of each person who contacts you, shopping for every person who doesn’t have a clue what to buy your kids, volunteering for every holiday event at church – the reactive trap will wear you out.
The third trap is that you can change the upcoming outcomes. Gaspar calls this trap, “You’re determined. This time you will change them, make them understand, behave differently.” If you are planning to put on a superhero cape and create the perfect holiday, you will fall into this trap. Plan on people behaving this year as they did before, and you will not be disappointed. Instead of changing into a cape, changing your guest list (or at least your behavioral expectations of others) would be more effective.
The fourth trap is lamenting the whole holiday season. Do you feel powerless around some of your relatives? Does the whole holiday season make you feel depressed? It is easy to think that this year’s holiday will be the same as the last and to get lost with those ghosts of holidays past. This year, talk to a loved one or a counselor about creating a happier holiday. Think about what you would like to see and take it one day at a time. A cool glass of eggnog, a kiss under the mistletoe and other small delicacies can help to make the season a bit brighter and bring out the best of a holiday.